My assistant has a name for her baby: Emmanuel. He is always referred to in the first person, such as “Emmanuel is kicking me” or “Emmanuel kept me up all night”.

The other day, we got an email, asking what everyone wanted for lunch. It went back and forth, everyone putting in their choice or making jokes, saying they wanted pizza and beer, or lobster. Her reply?

Assistant: I’m good with it just being food. Just as long as we eat by noon. Emmanuel gets hungry between 11:30 & 12:00.

Now that my assistant has started to show, she has had the joy of buying actual maternity clothes. She would, of course, purchase the only pair of polyester maternity pants on the market. And they have the added benefit of being white, polyester maternity pants.

Assistant (wearing white polyester pants and lime green sweater) : I feel like I’m dressed for spring.
Coworker: Why didn’t you buy black maternity pants
Assistant: Well, I didn’t want to be all Goth!

My Assistant wears these god awful shoes. Think, sandals that Jesus would wear if he loved plastic and vinyl. She wears them All The Time. Come hell or high water. Lately it has been raining and she was still wearing those effing shoes!

Me: Assistant, when are you going to trade those lovely shoes for winter shoes?
Assistant: Well, I don’t want to wear heels,  I might fall!

Coworker: The boss is calling you. Run to the phone!

Assistant: I can’t run! I’ll fall.

I closed a file the other day then gave it to My Assistant to finish (print the correspondence and send checks to the borrower, broker and lender). After I printed the checks, I signed them, then gave the file to her to complete. Our checks are always endorsed by two checks signers. Always have been, always will be. She knows this. She has seen me sign checks and take them to another check signer and to get them signed. This is how it is done and she has witnessed this many a time.

I got one of the checks back a few days later with only one signature on it. I scrambled to get all the checks back; I called the borrower, explained the mistake, ordered a messenger to pick up the check, signed it and sent it back. I called the notary, explained the mistake, had him bring the check back. I called the insurance company explained the mistake…. and so forth and so on.

I showed My Assistant the file and pointed out how the checks were sent out with only one signature and  she says to me, “Yeah, I noticed that they only had one signature on them, but I sent them out anyways. “

My Assistant just found out that she’s pregnant. And when I say pregnant, I mean that she is so newly pregnant, the fetus was practically just conceived. She got married last month and her and her husband decided not to “protect themselves”. According to My Assistant, she had her last period on July 18th. She took a pregnancy test on August 19th. and confirmed her pregnancy with a doctor on August 20th. Everyone in the office already knows. Since Monday she has complained about morning sickness twice. Today I heard this:

My Assistant: (pointing to her belly) See this? I didn’t have this before. I’m already showing.

Coworker: Are you kidding me? You are like two days pregnant. Your baby isn’t even an inch big!

and:

Coworker: Congratulations. How far along are you?

My Assistant: About 2-3 weeks

Coworker: How are you feeling?

My Assistant: I’m already getting sick.

Coworker: Really? Isn’t it a little early for that?

My Assistant: Well, I don’t know. This is my first child